


Just One Single Glimpse of Relief

by meet_me_behind_the_mall



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Adoption, Babies, Character Study, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Family, Foster Care, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shelby Goodkind-centric, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29320467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meet_me_behind_the_mall/pseuds/meet_me_behind_the_mall
Summary: All of her pageant training and that public speaking class her dad insisted on never did her any good in these moments. Every time she tried to talk to Ellie, comfort her, engage her, she always seemed to make things worse. Still, she had to try.Or: Shelby and Toni’s journey as foster parents to a three-year-old
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 99
Kudos: 284





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are several wonderful stories here about Toni, Shelby, and their biological children, but I wanted to explore the idea of them fostering/adopting a child. I think that Toni’s time in foster care shaped her and I can picture her wanting to provide a safe home for a foster child of her own. I went through the Minnesota foster care system myself (which is probably why I relate so heavily to Toni), but I’m certainly not an expert on it. I hope I handled this very serious issue appropriately. If you enjoy, please let me know with a comment because this story means a lot to me.
> 
> TW: non-specific references to child abuse

They couldn’t sleep naked anymore. That was one of the things that Shelby hadn’t even considered when they decided to foster. She felt guilty missing it, but god, she did. She missed Toni’s warm chest pressed against hers, skin-to-skin. On the best nights, she couldn’t tell where her wife’s body stopped and hers started; they felt like two souls in one person.

Now they slept in the same position but clothed in pajamas in case Ellie wandered in. Or, as was more likely with their particular three-year-old, screamed her way in. Sure enough, Shelby was pulled out of her half-dream state by Ellie wailing and pounding at the door. She shot out of bed to comfort her, but Toni was already on it. She knelt down in front of the girl, careful not to touch her.

“Hi, sweetheart. Are you having some trouble sleeping?” Shelby was always in awe of how calm her wife remained in situations like this. Ellie cried for literally hours some nights and Toni had never once lost her cool.

Ellie didn’t respond, but her wails lessened slightly and she looked up at Toni.

“Maybe you had a scary dream? Is that what happened?” Ellie kept staring at her and let out a little hiccup as her tears dried. Shelby was perched on the carpet, studying the exchange intently and looking for opportunities to help, but none came.

“I’m sure that was scary for you. You’re such a brave girl, and I’m glad you came to let us know what’s wrong so we can help you. I wonder what might help you feel better. Do you want to sleep here, next to our bed?” Toni asked gently. Shelby was immediately reminded of the time that they tried to haul Ellie into their bed to sleep and she immediately tantrumed upon being picked up.

Ellie allowed herself the tiniest nod. Delighted at finally having a purpose, Shelby sprang up and grabbed Ellie’s bedding from the toddler-sized castle bed that Toni had made for her. She helped Toni arrange Ellie’s pillow, blanket, and her beloved plush cat.

“There we go, all ready for a brave girl to lay down in!” Toni exclaimed and Ellie rewarded her with a wide smile. It was no wonder that Toni could never get upset with her, she was so cute it hurt.

“Milk?” Ellie asked softly as she settled into her nest of blankets on the floor. Shelby was relieved that she was calm enough to use her words and that she was asking for food, both relatively rare occurrences.

“Of course, you stay here with Mama. I’ll be right back,” Toni replied. That left Shelby with their little girl, who was cuddling her cat tightly and looking up at her. All of her pageant training and that public speaking class her dad insisted on never did her any good in these moments. Every time she tried to talk to Ellie, comfort her, _engage_ her, she always seemed to make things worse. Still, she had to try.

“You’re safe here, sweetie.” The girl did absolutely nothing. She didn’t respond, but she didn’t look away either. It was like Shelby wasn’t even in the room.

Toni returned with a sippy cup, which Ellie gratefully drank as she rested. Then Shelby watched as Toni offered her hand and Ellie gazed at it, apparently considering her offer. Slowly, she brought her fingers up and let her pinky and ring finger fall into Toni’s hand. Toni beamed and stroked them gently. Ellie’s little body was clearly exhausted from fighting her tiredness and whatever demons had been bothering her.

Shelby and Toni watched the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest and she slept, looking more peaceful than she had all day.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Toni whispered, still brushing her hand gently. Shelby nodded and ran her fingers through Ellie’s blonde hair. She used the opportunity to gently work some of the tangles out. Getting Ellie’s hair brushed was a daily struggle and bath time was even harder.

Shelby had poured over her case file and seen the scars; she knew that Ellie had good reason to fear being touched. That didn’t make it any easier, though. She wanted to respect her little girl’s boundaries, but she also wanted to cuddle all of her worries away. Both she and Toni craved physical touch when they were upset, so it was an adjustment to learn other modes of affection.

“She looks a lot like you, actually,” Toni’s voice pulled her away from her thoughts.

“And she acts a lot like you.”

“Hot-headed? Temperamental? Loud?”

Shelby chuckled quietly, not wanting to wake Ellie up. “I was going to say passionate and active. But now that you mention it...”

“Yeah, she’s a fiery little one and I love her for it.”

Shelby just nodded. She loved her for it too, of course, but it had been eight months and it felt like things were getting worse instead of better. Every scream, every unrequited exchange, every time changing into pajamas turned into a war, every time she looked into her blue eyes and had no idea what to say. Every time Shelby felt more and more like a failure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: unintentional injury to a child

Toni asked for thirty minutes of quiet to call Martha and Shelby was determined to give it to her. She could parent for half an hour. Shelby had Ellie stationed on the floor with her cat and a puzzle game while she finished styling her hair.

She should have known it was a recipe for disaster. The hair straightener’s handle was bright yellow, Ellie’s favorite color. Plus, the little girl loved buttons and cords–anything she could tinker with her hands.

“No, sweetheart. That’s hot. It will hurt if you touch it,” Shelby explained gently as Ellie swatted at her hair straightener for the second time.

Ellie acted like she hadn’t heard anything. It was such a convincing act that Shelby sometimes wondered if they were speaking different languages. Ellie grinned to herself and made a curious _oh_ sound as she trotted to the other side of Shelby’s vanity. Shelby watched as a tiny hand made another beeline for the straightener.

“Elliana! You cannot touch it because it is hot. Let’s get you downstairs and find Mommy,” Shelby reprimanded more sternly. It had been 20 minutes. _Good enough, right?_ Shelby thought.

She set her brush down and ushered Ellie toward the door, hoping to get her to Toni without a fight. It had been a full year now, and Ellie was usually happy to let Toni pick her up, which was a saving grace in times like this.

At first, it sounded like one of Ellie’s daily yelps. Shelby was so used to hearing her scream that she almost didn’t notice; assumed that she was crying for Toni or crying just to cry. The cry was so ordinary until it wasn’t, until it was deep and blood-curdling.

Shelby turned to find her precious baby with an iron-grip on the hot end of the straightener. The rest was a kind of out-of-body experience for Shelby. She remembers yanking the iron out of her hand. She remembers Toni, with her seemingly endless maternal instinct, dashing up the stairs and comforting Ellie. She remembers sobbing out an explanation and endless apologies.

Most of all, she remembers the look on Ellie’s face as tears streamed down her cheeks. The look not of anger or even hurt, but unadulterated fear. Shelby knew that her little head didn’t know the difference between accidents and purposely inflicted pain. In her mind, pain was pain and adults caused pain. The adults in Ellie’s previous homes had failed her so terribly and now Shelby was added to the list.

Now she had to watch her wife change the bandage on Ellie’s tiny hand every night, a fresh wave of guilt washing over her each time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very short and sad. The next chapter is longer and less sad.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: non-specific references to child abuse

“How about an afternoon to ourselves?” Toni proposed as she settled on the couch next to Shelby.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time, Shalifoe. Maybe in fourteen more years,” Shelby joked.

“I’m serious! Martha offered to watch El for a few hours so you and I could get some time to get…reacquainted with each other,” Toni suggested, raising an eyebrow and looking pointedly at Shelby’s chest. That was a fair point: they had gone almost a month without any meaningful alone time and it had them both more on edge than they’d like to be.

“Are you sure, love? Won’t she miss you?” Shelby pressed.

“Dr. Stevenson said it could actually be good for her. It might help her recognize that even though we have to leave sometimes, we’ll always come back.”

Shelby was more open to the idea knowing that Ellie’s counselor recommended it. They had rotated through about every combination in the hot seat lately. Ellie did a few solo sessions, other times one of them would accompany her, but often it was all three of them crammed on Dr. Stevenson’s office couch. At least monthly, Toni and Shelby went without Ellie to get an update and advice for translating their in-office work to the rest of their lives. This month, she had recommended that they work on exposing Ellie to people and places outside of their home.

At first, Shelby wondered about the logistics of therapy with a four-year-old. Plus, she and Toni had both been raised to ignore their feelings and desires, so they’d had a lot of re-learning to do, but even Shelby could see how much it was helping. Ellie was still shy around strangers but would talk her moms’ ears off, especially on the topic of everything feline. She thrived in academics and could stomach small touches from most people.

That’s how they ended up dropping Ellie off at the veterinary clinic that Martha worked at. Shelby wasn’t sure whose face was more stricken as they parted ways: Toni’s or Ellie’s. Luckily, Ellie’s affect brightened immediately when Martha ushered her to the rows of adoptable cats and Toni’s brightened sometime later when Shelby peeled off her clothes.

Two pleasurable hours later, Shelby was sated and curled against Toni when her phone buzzed with a message.

_Vet in training!_ Read Martha’s text

The attached image showed their beautiful little girl in an over-sized white coat holding a kitten to her chest. Her eyes were so blue and sparkling that they rivaled Leah’s. Shelby’s eyes watered seeing Ellie so happy.

“Look at her, she’s beaming!” Toni exclaimed. “Sometimes I think she loves Martha more than she loves us.”

Toni’s tone was playful, but that one hit a little too close to home for Shelby.

“Or just more than me,” she muttered sadly.

“I was kidding, babe.”

“I know, but it’s not like I haven’t thought the same thing myself. You and El have this untouchable bond and I’m so glad you do–don’t get me wrong–but I’m not even close to that level with her. Sometimes I still feel like there’s this…this barrier between us. I don’t know if it was the hair straightener or something else, but I feel so freakin’ useless most of the time.”

Toni proceeded to comfort her so organically, it reminded Shelby how beautiful it was to fall in love with her in the first place. She still had the divine power to talk her down from any situation. Truthfully, Shelby had no idea how Toni was doing it. She was working as an engineer, doing a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to raising Ellie, and still managed to be the most attentive partner to Shelby. The most remarkable part was that she didn’t even seem that bothered by it all. Sure, Shelby sometimes noticed her sigh when the dishes piled up and she spotted the dark circles under her eyes after one of Ellie’s especially bad night terrors, but mostly, Toni seemed elated with her little family. She would gush to anyone who would listen about how Ellie could already multiply in her head and how Shelby had been promoted to vice-principal.

“What can I do to help support you in this?” Toni asked earnestly as they were knee-deep into tackling the issue.

“Are you kidding? I should be askin’ you that! You’re supermom over here and I’m a glorified babysitter.”

“Hey, that’s not true. You do a lot more than you give yourself credit for.” Shelby sighed and Toni must have sensed that she didn’t believe her because she continued, “all the behind-the-scenes stuff, for one. You cook her three healthy meals a day and she actually eats them, which is a miracle in itself. You handle all her medical stuff and you found Dr. Stevenson for us. Hell, you painted that god-awful cat mural on her wall after she begged for a real one and found out that you’re allergic.”

“Anyone could do that stuff,” Shelby huffed. She knew her response was almost juvenile, but they’d hit on a particularly sore subject that tore her apart sometimes and she was more than happy to let Toni build her back up.

“Shelb, the things you do are driven by that powerful force that only comes from being a mother, I can tell. I see you reading those books on parenting children who have survived abuse and every foster pamphlet we have. I watched you rip all the tags out of her clothes because you know how much they bother her. I hear you take every opportunity to tell her that you love her. I see everything you do for us and I appreciate it. El does, too, in her own way.”

“Thank you, Toni. I really needed that.” Shelby arched up to give her a gentle kiss.

“Anytime, babe. Hell, if I had had someone half as attentive as you growing up, I might have had an easier go at life.”

“You still turned out alright, if I do say so,” Shelby chuckled. Toni guided Shelby’s chin to her and they made out like teenagers for a while. There was no underlying urgency for it to turn into sex and no nagging feeling that they should be attending to something more important. They settled flush against each other and continued to press kisses against each other’s lips. Shelby felt more at ease than she had in months, a single glimpse of relief from the weight of it all.

“Not to go all clinical on you again,” Toni’s voice rang out suddenly, “but Dr. Stevenson suggested that we both explore some hobbies. She said it better than I can, but it was something about making sure we don’t center our entire identities on being parents, if that makes any sense.”

“It makes a lot of sense,” Shelby agreed. “I guess I could try singin’ again? Join Fatin and Leah’s queer music group?”

“That’s perfect. I’ve missed hearing your voice when you get ready in the morning.” Toni hugged Shelby closer and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“What are you going to choose?”

Toni made a sweeping motion with her hands like she was dunking a basketball, “whoosh! And the crowd goes wild for Shalifoe!” She cheered for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stan supportive Toni. What did you think about this chapter?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sad one, but I promise that it’s not permanent. I don’t think that familial bliss comes without sacrifice and even pain, sometimes–especially when all three parties have so much love to give but so many demons to go along with it.
> 
> I mentioned in chapter 1 that I was in the foster care system, but adoption was never really on the table for me, so I wasn’t a part of these types of discussions. This is kind of new territory for me and I hope I did it with respect. 
> 
> TW: unintentional endangerment of a child, non-specific references to child abuse

It was going so well.

They decided to homeschool her with Nora’s help since she was so gifted, but she was also attending half-day preschool for the socialization, which she took to surprisingly well. She sprinted to Toni for a hug every day after school.

She gained enough weight that her pediatrician was off their back and she grew 3 inches in less than a year. Her eyes were brighter, less sunken. Her hair reached her waist and she let Shelby braid it every morning. 

She perched on the counter every night as they made dinner to help with the measurements. _This says we need 2 cups of water, but we’re making a half recipe, so how much water should we use?_ Ellie got it right every time.

*****

Shelby thumbed through the notes on Ellie’s daily preschool report.

_Ate some lunch, no snack._

_Played next to Emily at recess but didn’t interact with her_

_Loved today’s science experiment_

Then at the bottom:

_We have gotten a few complaints from parents and other students about the smell of Elliana’s stuffed animal. Can you throw it in the wash?_

The nonchalance of the sentence staggered Shelby. As if it was that easy, as if they hadn’t tried to wash Ellie’s cat countless times before, as if they could _throw_ Kitty in the washing machine like a sweatshirt. Had these people met Ellie?

They consulted Dr. Stevenson about the most delicate way to handle the issue. Shelby suggested they sneak the cat into the wash while Ellie was sleeping, but Toni immediately shot her an _are you crazy_ look and reminded her what might happen if Ellie had a night terror and woke up without Kitty. Dr. Stevenson responded more delicately but mentioned the importance of building honesty and trust with Ellie. It was a stuffed animal, but it was Ellie’s most precious possession and she deserved to know its whereabouts.

The doctor’s tone was forgiving but she might as well have told Shelby that she was a shitty mom because that comment tapped against her biggest insecurity. Shelby didn’t want to become anything like her parents: someone who hid things from their child, controlled them from afar, snuck things behind their back, degraded their trust instead of cherishing it.

*****

“Hey El, do you remember how we talked about Kitty taking a bath today?” Toni asked at breakfast. At Dr. Stevenson’s recommendation, they had explained the logistics of the big wash well ahead of time.

“Yes, I remember. A bath in the bathtub?”

Shelby laughed. It wouldn’t be the first time Ellie had tried to get the plushie to join them for bath time.

“No, Kitty is going to take her bath in the washing machine,” Toni responded.

“Why?” Ellie asked.

“People take baths in bathtubs, but soft things like clothes and Kitty take baths in the washing machine.”

“I’m soft,” Ellie reasoned, brushing her own cheek and then her hair.

“That’s a great point, El. People can’t fit in the washing machine, but Kitty can! She might even have a dance party in there,” Toni laughed.

“She’ll only be gone for a couple hours and we can watch her dance around the washing machine if you want,” Shelby added.

Ellie treated them to one of her diamond-like sparkling smiles, just as rare and just as beautiful.

*****

It was going so well, until it wasn’t.

Ellie curled up on Toni’s lap and watched the washing machine spin, entranced. They’d asked if she wanted to break for some lunch or even play a game in the laundry room, but she was more content to stay put. She didn’t even mind when Toni passed her into Shelby’s lap so she could step out for a work call. Her turquoise eyes widened in delight when the washer buzzed off and she dutifully helped Shelby transfer the load into the dryer. With some negotiation, she carefully set a still-damp Kitty inside the drum on top of the wet clothes.

“We’re out of dryer sheets. I’m going to go get some from the closet upstairs, okay sweetie?”

“I’ll watch Kitty,” Ellie replied, petting the stuffed animal lovingly.

It didn’t seem worth the fight to haul Ellie upstairs with her for a two-minute task, so she let her be.

As Shelby jogged backed down the stairs, she spotted a streak of long blonde hair caught in the closed latch of the dryer. Then a tiny arm pressed up against the inside cover. Then a knee, curled against her chest, barely fitting inside.

This out-of-body experience was immeasurably more intense than the one caused by the straightener. Like her body suddenly dissolved and every piece of its dissolution was now targeted toward a single goal.

She remembered the words of the caseworker on their first home visit, reminding them how children can suffocate in clothes dryers. She remembered wondering if it was possible for Ellie to get electrocuted, if she should unplug the machine, or if that would trap her further. She wondered _how the fuck_ she let this happen. Then she wondered _how the fuck_ it hadn’t happened before given how thoroughly inept she was at parenting. She was sure she was screaming something, but she was too unhinged to know what.

Somewhere between desperation and guilt, she remembered how to tear the door open. She tugged Ellie into her arms, squeezing her more tightly than she’d ever allowed herself to before. Ellie wrenched out of her grasp and cried at being suddenly held so tightly.

Shelby cried, too.

*****

“Shelb!” Toni called. It was half-past ten and Ellie was long asleep, but Shelby was still shaken. “Guess who that was?”

“Hmm?” Shelby mumbled, pulling her legs against her chest on the couch. Toni bounced back into the living room, clearly too animated to sit down.

“Dr. Stevenson! He just heard from the caseworker and the birth parents’ parental rights have been terminated. She’s adoptable! That’s like, the best news to turn around our shitty day, isn’t it?”

They had been waiting on this for months. Ellie’s birth parents hadn’t had contact with her in several years but they left behind a pile of bureaucratic hoops, formal termination of parental rights being one of them.

Toni was so blind with excitement that she didn’t seem to notice Shelby’s lack of response. “I can’t wait to tell her!” she continued. “She’s going to be so excited. You know she wants to change her last name to mine?”

“T, don’t you think we should wait to tell her until it’s finalized?” Shelby asked gently, brushing against Toni’s wrist with her palm to try to center her. “We wouldn’t want her to be disappointed.”

“It’s all but finalized. The judge ruled in our favor! It’s just procedural at this point, once we sign.”

“Still, we shouldn’t tell her until we’re sure, right?”

“Until we’re sure? Wh–what? Of course we’re sure.” Toni caught her eye and Shelby had the fleeting thought that this was the first time they’d looked each other in the eye, really looked, for a long time. “You’re…you’re not sure?”

“I just think after today, we could use a little bit more time.”

Toni’s animated bouncing turned into an anxious pace; gaze still boring into Shelby’s.

“How could you say you’re not sure about our daughter?”

“I’m not saying that at all, Toni.” Shelby argued, dropping her hand from Toni’s and curling further into herself. “What I am saying is this is the second time I’ve let something bad happen to her. And not a little scrape, like something really freakin’ bad, twice in a row.”

“She hurt herself once– _accidentally_ –six months ago. And today she climbed somewhere she shouldn’t _like kids do_. You got her to safety both times. You can’t expect parenting to always go perfectly. That’s not a fair expectation to hold her or yourself too.”

Toni’s fist was clenched at her side, but she controlled her tone and words. That almost made Shelby more upset, to have all of Toni’s progress shoved in her face while she was spiraling in the opposite direction.

Shelby met her wife’s eyes again, willing herself to just _say it_.

“Sometimes I just wonder if there’s someone out there who could do a better job than me.”

There it was.

“Shelby, you don’t understand,” Toni relented, as if Shelby hadn’t just barred the gravest part of her soul to her. As if Shelby didn’t already know that her inability to understand was the exact fucking problem. “If we say no, chances are her next family will be worse, so much worse. What if they hurt her again? What if they touch her?” Toni’s voice cracked and her face was stained with tears. Shelby hadn’t realized before, but her own was, too.

“That’s one side of the coin, Toni! What if the next family lives closer to that renowned child psychiatrist in the city? What if they have a cat like she’s always askin’ for? What if they just know what the hell they’re doing more than we do?” Shelby lamented, her accent enhanced by her emotion.

“She doesn’t need any of that. She needs consistency. She needs to know that we’re not going anywhere, that we’re here for her.”

They were both near sobbing, now, staring at each other. Toni broke the heated silence.

“Please, don’t give up on her. Don’t give up on us.”

It was then that Shelby realized that Toni was interpreting her reservations about adoption as a rejection of her. That she saw herself in Ellie and so it was easy to hear Shelby’s concerns and think back to the many times she herself had been passed from home to home.

“I’m not giving up on her, that’s the last thing I’m doing. It hurts me that you would even say that.” Shelby finally allowed herself to speak louder than a whisper as she felt the frustration and guilt coalesce inside her. “I’m just saying I need a fucking second.”

Toni didn’t respond but stood her ground and held her gaze. She cocked her eyebrow as if to say _take a fucking second, then_. Her expression wasn’t angry, but Shelby wished it was. That would be better than the disappointment and trepidation that was staring back at her.

“She’s never once called me Mama, you know that?” Shelby laughed back her next sob, but it just made it sound more pathetic. “Not Mom, not Mommy, nothing.”

“We’re working on it! It frustrates me when you discount all the progress I’ve made with her. It hasn’t been easy for me, either.”

“This isn’t about you, this is about me! I’m doing a shit job. I don’t know what she needs. I don’t know how to relate to her. I can’t even keep her safe. I wanted this so fucking badly and it turns out I–I can’t…I can’t do any of it.”

If her earlier revelation was the gravest part of her soul, this was the soot that was packed underneath the grave, dark and foreboding.

That night, Toni slept curled up in Ellie’s tiny bed with the little girl tucked in her arms. Shelby slept alone, and she knew that there was not a dry eye left in the house by the time they all fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the wonderful response to the last chapter. For context, I imagine all of the chapters set several months apart in time, so we've probably jumped 3-6 months since chapter 4!

It was Taylor Swift that saved them.

And the therapist and a truckload of patience.

And Ellie’s maternal grandfather making a last-minute plea for custody, which angered them both because he’d never made any effort before, but offered Shelby the time she needed to collect herself.

But mostly Taylor.

 _Technically_ , Shelby admits, it was also Toni’s suggestion that she start singing again, which led her to blast her full discography as she got herself and Ellie ready for school.

“You’re missing out, T! We listen to the pop-iest music we can find, do our hair, pick out our outfits. Total girly girl time.”

“That description actually makes me thankful for my ass crack-of-dawn shift,” Toni countered teasingly, but the glint in her eye gave away how much she enjoys hearing about her two girls.

Ellie was mostly uninterested in the whole thing but was content enough to sit while Shelby worked her hair into two French braids as long as the music wasn’t too loud and Shelby’s hands weren’t too rough.

She was mostly uninterested until Shelby’s playlist cycled through all of the A-sides and was now drifting into Taylor’s more obscure songs. The pointed eyes and long tail in the album art caught Ellie’s attention immediately.

“This is music for kitties?” She asked, reaching for Shelby’s laptop.

“Sure is, sweetie,” Shelby laughed. “This is from a musical called Cats.”

“I better get Kitty, then!” Ellie exclaimed, dashing down the hallway with her hair half-braided. By the time Shelby got Ellie (and Kitty) re-situated in front of the mirror, the song changed.

“No, we need Kitty’s music!” Ellie insisted. Shelby peered down at her and raised her eyebrow. “Please?” Shelby faltered at how achingly normal the small exchange felt but replayed the song anyway.

Ellie started by waving the cat in front of the laptop, which morphed into her dancing in front of the mirror and then in circles around the room. Shelby’s first instinct was to direct her back to the braiding so they wouldn’t be late, but the sparkling innocence in Ellie’s ocean eyes told her that this was worth the extra time.

“You’re a dance machine, Ellie!”

“Dance machine!” Ellie exclaimed, looking up at Shelby with the most joyous smile.

Thus, a new daily ritual was born; one which Shelby woke up early for in anticipation of when Ellie would reach for her hands and let her twirl her around the bathroom. They finally had something that was just for them to share and it made all the difference.

*****

Friday rolled around and Shelby found herself looking forward to the afternoon. They’d settled into a steady routine: Shelby drops Ellie off in the morning on her way to school and Toni picks her up at lunch following her morning shift­­. But on Fridays, Shelby ducks out of her office at noon and they pick up Ellie together, spending the afternoon as a family. They usually start with pizza, Toni’s favorite, and end with the animal sanctuary, Ellie’s favorite (especially now that the sanctuary is caring for a tiny tiger cub that she insists they should adopt as their own).

Shelby’s realization that she was looking forward to this afternoon came with a sting of melancholy when she had to ask herself when she _stopped_ looking forward to Fridays. The last few had been pleasant but shroud in unspoken tension. Toni flashed Shelby a longing stare every time Ellie used the word _adopt_ , and she would send her a look back that said _see, I’m trying_ , as she lifted Ellie to see further into the tiger habitat.

Today, though? Shelby sped through the morning announcements and the pile of paperwork on her desk with new-found anticipation for the morning to be over. This new _thing_ between her and Ellie was still precarious, but she wanted to bask in it forever.

Toni could feel the difference, too. Shelby practically skipped through the school parking lot to her car. Then she motioned for Toni to roll down the window so she could pull her in for a kiss.

“What was that for?” Toni asked as she pulled away grinning.

“Can’t I kiss my beautiful wife without getting the third degree?”

“You make a good point, Texas. Now hop in, we got a fidgety four-year-old waiting on us.”

Shelby did and they rode in comfortable silence, occasionally making small talk about work and Ellie’s recent progress. As they pulled into the preschool, Toni’s hazel eyes met hers and she whispered, “it’s nice to see you happy. Happy looks so good on you.”

Happy _felt_ good, too.

They moseyed inside and searched for golden hair in a sea of toddlers when they spotted Ellie. Toni was already crouched down for her daily hug, but it never came.

“Guess what? My teacher played Taylor Swift music today, just like you!” Ellie exclaimed as she latched on to Shelby’s leg. Shelby knelt down to her and Ellie immediately wrapped her arms around her shoulders.

That was new.

New and so, so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Taylor (and Shoni) for also saving me this year! Who knew her Cats cameo could be so useful?


	6. Chapter 6

Shelby was jogging down the stairs when her phone buzzed with a text from Fatin.

_what did you get T for valentine’s day? need ideas_

She grinned and perched at the top of the steps to answer it.

_Tickets to the Lynx game!_

_snooze. nothing more risqué?_

_Good point. What do you say you join me for a mall trip so I can pick out something to surprise her with?_

_that's more like it…you hot mamas need to get laid_

Fatin’s last text was followed by a series of emojis that Shelby could only describe as lewd.

“What did you draw, baby?” Shelby heard Toni ask from downstairs. Shelby could hear them well and if she craned her neck a little, she could see Ellie drawing next to Toni, who was answering work emails.

“This is me and Phoenix,” Ellie explained, motioning to the blonde figure holding the tiger cub from the sanctuary, “and this is you and this is Mama!”

Ellie said it so casually, like she was reading a grocery list or one of her math problems. Shelby could tell in the way that Toni faltered for a second that she’d picked up on it. Her hazel eyes looked at Ellie so fondly, like she held the most beautiful secret.

“You did such a good job, El! I love how nicely you colored us in. Can I hang it on the fridge to show Mama later?”

Ellie passed the picture to Toni in agreement and the two settled back into their usual routine. Shelby felt almost odd watching them take the momentous event in such casual strides, but she was also thankful that she was able to observe from afar and let her feelings wash over her without the expectation of responding.

She wiped the tears off of her cheeks and enjoyed watching her wife and daughter work side-by-side a while longer.

Shelby never told Toni that she’d overheard, as if putting this delicate thing into words would make it vanish.

*****

Shelby stirred in her sleep, some maternal instinct feeling the two little eyes staring at her.

“Ellie? Are you okay?” She yawned, looking at the little girl in her pawprint pajamas as she hovered at the edge of the bed.

“I had a bad dream and Mommy won’t wake up,” Ellie whispered and motioned to Toni. Shelby chuckled at her wife, mouth gaping and clearly knocked out.

“Oh, that’s no good, is it, El? Do you want to sleep with me and Mommy?” Shelby asked. Ellie nodded, her ocean eyes meeting Shelby’s.

It occurred to Shelby that this was almost backward: most parents of five-year-old’s were trying to wean them off of sharing a bed, not the other way around. They weren’t most parents, though, and Ellie certainly wasn’t most kids. Even a year ago, she wouldn’t sit on the same couch as another person and now she was cuddled between them.

“Do you want to talk about your bad dream, baby?” Shelby asked, running her fingers through Ellie’s long hair. “Sometimes when I have a bad dream, I tell Mommy about it and it makes me feel better.”

Ellie paused for a moment and Shelby briefly assumed she wasn’t up to talking.

“It was the same one as before,” she whispered suddenly.

“The one where someone was trying to take Kitty away?”

Ellie nodded, “and they tried to take me away, too. Take me away from you and Mommy.” What broke Shelby’s heart was the resignation buried in Ellie’s little voice, like she’d already accepted the dream as reality.

“Why are you crying?” Ellie asked. Shelby wiped away the tears she hadn’t realized fell.

“It makes me sad to think about someone taking you away. That’s a scary thought, isn’t it?” Shelby whispered, moving her hand to cup Ellie’s cheek. Ellie nodded and didn’t stray from the touch. “Mama’s not going to let that happen, though.”

“Do you promise?” Ellie’s blue eyes widened and met Shelby’s green ones. Her expression held uncertainty but also a conviction far beyond her years, like she trusted Shelby to answer her truthfully.

Shelby couldn’t respond for fear of full-on sobbing in front of her daughter and waking up her wife. She had to settle for nodding earnestly, repeatedly, over and over again, to Ellie and to herself.

It took Shelby a few steady breaths before she could speak again.

“Can I give you a hug?” Shelby asked. She wished she had this as a child, bodily autonomy and boundaries. She was proud they were giving that to their daughter. Then Shelby realized all of the other things they were giving to her and all of the things Ellie was giving back. In her ocean of doubts, Shelby had discounted the beauty they had built together: the trust, respect, honesty, and love. They had done well, were doing well, and were going to do well. And they had an amazing little human to show for it.

Shelby thought about these things as Ellie agreed and she wrapped her in her arms. She thought about them as she stroked her golden hair and kissed her forehead. She thought about them as she tucked them both in, nestled against Toni. She thought about them until Ellie’s voice pulled her out of her head.

“Thank you, Mama.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these three <3 What are your hopes for the final chapter?


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some big topics discussed here re: adoption.  
> The usual disclaimer: I was in foster care but I am not adopted. I researched this chapter quite a bit, but of course, I am still learning (as we all are!). I hope the issues are treated appropriately.

It was like the parenting overlords had decided that Toni and Shelby had already paid their dues. Like this was some kind of reward for all of the blood, sweat, and tears that came with the first few years of raising Ellie.

Shelby didn’t want to jinx it by saying it out loud, but sometimes she found herself thinking _is it supposed to be this easy_? Toni had landed a huge promotion, which came with more flexibility to her schedule and allowed them to spend more time together. Shelby loved her job as an elementary-school principal, but she found herself eager to get home to her family every afternoon. Then there was Ellie: their human calculator of a daughter with unwavering compassion, especially for animals.

The foundation they had toiled to lay early in the fostering process was paying off handsomely: the family of three communicated so fluidly that they could address most issues before they progressed into anything serious. It was easy to get lost in the shuffle of everyday life, but every time Shelby took a step back, she was amazed.

“This year has gone so well it’s almost eerie. Sometimes I feel like I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Shelby admitted, knotting the balloon she’d just blown up.

“Hey, what happened to that island optimism?” Toni teased. “Stop waiting, start enjoying! We earned this, all three of us.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I need to get out of my head a little, especially today.”

Toni agreed as they put the finishing touches on the decorations to the living room. Ellie couldn’t decide whether the theme should be mathematicians or cats, which is how Shelby wound up spending the night drawing nerd glasses and calculators on a pile of cat decorations.

“I can’t wait to see El’s face. We need to make sure we take pictures, lots of pictures. Oh–and Leah agreed to film it!” Toni exclaimed. Shelby nodded and chuckled at her enthusiasm, especially considering that pre-Ellie, her wife wasn’t particularly fond of taking photos.

They continued setting up for the celebration, now frosting the pencil-shaped cookies Shelby and Ellie had baked the night before.

“Did I tell you yesterday when El and I were leaving the library, she invited Edmund to come to the party?” Toni asked.

“Edmund the librarian? Is he comin’? We’ll need to set an extra place at the table.”

“Oh, no–but he gave her a birthday bookmark. I half-explained to him that it’s not a birthday party, but she was thrilled because the bookmark has a cheetah on it. God, she’s fucking adorable.”

“Language! El is just upstairs!” Shelby reminded her.

“She’s way too zoned into her science lesson to notice. Which also means I have free reign to do this,” Toni grinned and pulled Shelby’s waist until they were pressed against each other. She fit their lips together and treated her to a hungry kiss. Shelby figured now might be a good time to apply that advice about _enjoying herself_ , so she let her hands run along Toni’s neck and down her sides, then on the underside of her chest.

“I’ll never get tired of that. It’s still as good as the first time–better, even.” Shelby gasped when they finally pulled apart. Toni nodded and pressed her forehead against Shelby’s.

“This is a big day for Ellie, but also a big day for us, for you. I wanted to get you something to thank you for going on this journey with me, for being a mother with me…” Toni trailed off as her voice cracked. “Fuck, sorry–I planned what to say, but I didn’t think I’d get so emotional.”

Shelby kept her gaze and responded with a soft smile, encouraging Toni to continue.

“You…you know it means a lot to me. When I was in Ellie’s shoes, bouncing from place to place, I never let myself dream about having a family of my own. Then I met you and I allowed myself those fantasies–little by little–but God, this is so much better than I’d ever let myself imagine.”

They kept their eyes trained on each other, tears overflowing.

“Anyway, before I make us cry even more on Ellie’s day, here,” Toni chuckled and placed a small jewelry box into Shelby’s hand.

Shelby pressed another kiss to Toni’s lips before opening it and finding a delicate gold necklace consisting of three interlocking rings. In elegant print was inscribed: _SET in my heart_

“For Shelby, Ellie, and Toni,” Toni explained.

It was so beautifully cheesy and right up Shelby’s alley. She grinned at how well her wife knew her as she fastened the chain around her neck and thumbed the rings, a reminder of their family.

*****

Ellie wasn’t fond of big crowds and frankly, neither was Toni, so they kept it as a small affair: Ellie’s best friend from preschool plus Martha, Fatin, Leah, and Jane, the caseworker. They enjoyed the usual pizza-and-cake routine of a kid’s party and Shelby led them through a rendition of _happy adoption day to you_.

The big event, though, was Martha quietly slipping away and returning with a pet carrier.

Shelby knew the rounds of allergy shots were worth it when Ellie squealed in delight and shouted out a flurry of _thank you thank you thank yous_. They’d asked Martha to keep an eye out for the perfect match and she delivered with a tiny, hypoallergenic rescue kitten with white fur and blue eyes.

“Can I name her, Mama?” Ellie asked, cuddling the cat with comical gusto.

“Yes, baby, whatever you want,” Shelby agreed.

“Cobalt!”

“Cobalt?” Fatin said incredulously. Shelby would normally scold her for her tone, but truthfully, she was also lost.

“Yeah! Cobalt is the 27th element on the periodic table and it’s blue like Cobalt’s eyes,” Ellie exclaimed like it was obvious.

“She’s one of your kind, Leah,” Fatin muttered, soft enough for only the three of them to hear. Leah raised her eyebrow as if to say _what’s that supposed to mean_ , so Fatin elaborated, “a cute little nerd.”

*****

“El, can you come sit with me and Mommy for a minute?” Shelby asked, patting the seat on the couch between her and Toni.

“Can I bring Cobalt?”

“Of course, sweetie.”

Ellie plopped between them with Cobalt cradled on her lap. In retrospect, they probably should have had this discussion this morning _before_ the kitten came into the picture because the little girl wasn’t focused on much else. Who could blame her? Luckily, it was a talk they’d had before and one they’d continue to have as Ellie grew older.

“Do you remember who’s in this picture?” Shelby asked, holding a photo for them to admire.

They were only provided with a handful of pictures from Ellie’s caseworker, but they kept them framed on the mantel next to their wedding album. It was something Toni insisted on, that they never confine the remnants of her previous homes to a file folder or old box.

“That’s me when I was a baby.”

Toni nodded, “this picture is from five years ago, but I can tell that your big blue eyes are the same.” Shelby melted as Toni stroked Ellie’s cheek.

“I can see my eyes in this one, too!” Ellie added, pointing to the next picture. An infant Ellie rested in the arms of her mother.

“You’re right! And that’s your birth mom. You lived in her tummy for nine months! Do you remember anything about her?” Toni asked.

Ellie shook her head. She always maintained that she didn’t have any memories before living with Toni and Shelby, which gave them some hope that she didn’t remember the abuse, but also made these discussions about her past that much more important.

“We learned when you got here that your mom loved you very much and she took care of you for as long as she could before you came to live with us,” Toni repeated the abridged story they’d told her so many times before. In agreement with the caseworker and the therapist, they had been adding age-appropriate information each time.

The last picture they had was half-blurry and Ellie was only in half of the frame. She was a year old, crouched in the grass.

“Who’s that?” Ellie asked, pointing to a little boy next to her.

“Before you lived with us, you lived with this little boy and his family, so he was your foster brother,” Shelby explained. Ellie nodded but seemed to be losing interest, busying herself instead with petting the cat. Shelby opted for a new approach.

“We love you so much and we’re so proud that you’re our daughter. You and Mommy make my heart full with so much love. Sometimes you might think about being adopted and feel really happy or sometimes you might feel confused or even sad, and that’s okay, right? It’s okay to feel all of those things.”

Ellie nodded again and curled up against Shelby’s side. They weren’t sure how much Ellie was absorbing and how much she was just nodding along, but Shelby knew these were all things they had said before and would say again.

“Somedays you might wonder about your birth family and want to talk about them, and Mama and I will be here for that, too,” Toni added.

“Did they like cats like me?” Ellie asked, suddenly more interested.

“That’s a good question, sweetheart,” Shelby replied. “You remember Ms. Jane, the caseworker, right? She told us that when she first met you, your family had pet doggies, so I bet they loved animals a whole lot.”

Ellie took the answer in stride and they continued chatting about her family as honestly as possible. Eventually, Ellie climbed into Shelby’s lap and Toni tucked in next to them.

“I love you,” Shelby whispered, pressing a kiss to Ellie’s forehead. Then she repeated herself and pecked Toni’s lips.

“I love you, too,” they replied in unison. That sent them all into a fit of giggles.

Shelby looked down at her daughter in her lap and her wife in her arms, overwhelmed. Images of every obstacle suddenly flashed through her mind: growing up as a lesbian with homophobic parents, meeting the love of her life on a deserted island and then being separated from her, unlearning the bigotry she was raised with, struggling to love and be loved, blindly navigating parenting and the foster care system, giving and giving and giving without receiving. She remembered days that were so dark she forgot what light looked like, remembered when the light started trickling in and she’d cling to glimpses of it, remembered when the light finally claimed victory over the dark, brilliant and illuminating.

It was all so wonderfully worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! I’m so relieved to give these three the happy ending they deserve.
> 
> This story meant so much to me and it was almost cathartic to write it. I hope we get to see some more of Toni’s experiences in foster care in future seasons because it’s so important to share. If you’re wondering about me: I’m emancipated and doing about as well as one can hope to in 2021. :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting <3

**Author's Note:**

> I have seven short chapter written for this story and I was planning on just posting one each day if people are interested. Thoughts?


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